INTERVIEWING VLADIMIR PUTIN

Vladimir Putin accepted Claire_dO's invitation for an interview for the Amazon Times at Club Inferno.

After long negotiations in which the presence of SVR members and a 15-meter table between the interviewer and interviewee was required, this set-up was accepted as long as the first and last statements were from Vladimir. The minions stayed outside to spy on us on CCTV

Claire_dO: Thank you very much for accepting our invitation Vladimir

Putin: Well, you did nothing more than your obligation to invite me. I am the light of the people and the beacon of progress.

Claire_dO: Yes, but in reality you know that…uh

Putin: Don't interrupt me! After all, who is the man here?

In addition to being the light of the people, I am the leader of the largest country in the world, with an area of 17,098,246 square kilometers, and I was elected with 77% of the votes. Proof that the people love me.

Claire_dO: There are objections including from the OECD that these, like other elections, were rigged and held irregularly!

Putin: CIA and NATO maneuvers that conspire against the freedom of the people and have always intended the destruction of Mother Russia.

It is clear that Russian democracy exists and that everyone is free to vote. In fact, the participation rate is higher than that of NATO countries.

Claire_dO: Yes, but this participation was also flawed, they say!

Putin: If I say no, it's because it's not. Who are you to say otherwise? Woman! Put yourself in your place!

(here Putin is visibly irritated, sweats, opens his eyes wide and clenches his fists)

Women's place is in the kitchen, at home and in bed. Ask Trump. They have to be in their place to look pretty for men and relax them when they get home from the intense intellectual confrontations that dominate their lives. Trump was the one who knew it all, he grabbed them by the pussies when they started to get hysterical due to lack of dick.

Claire_dO: As you know, my opinion is different and it wasn't always men who were in charge and who fought.

Putin: Yeah, this myth about the Amazons. Those bitches, who didn't have a man with a dick to satisfy them. What they needed was a good fuck. And let me tell you that if you are an Amazon you must submit or you will be considered a traitor.

Claire_dO: How so?

Putin: These supposed Amazons lived on the edge of the Black Sea and in the steppes from there to Kiev, therefore all Russian territory, for more than a thousand years. Submit, go! You'll see it's good. I give you everything you ever wanted to have: houses, cars, jewelry, trips and even the pleasure and honor of sleeping with me from time to time. Together we will beat the fascists.

Claire_dO: I do not recognize any of your suzerainty over us or the historical Amazons who, if they had known you, would not have spared you. Furthermore, I am a supporter of the Ukrainian feminist organization Femen.

Putin: Ah, do you also belong to that organization of sly whores of which three activists walked around the polling stations naked, showing their breasts?

Claire: Sorry! They demonstrated nakedly against electoral fraud and against you, shouting "Putin out!" and "Putin thief! Just like the band Pussy Riot. And what did you do to that freedom of expression? You arrested them all! Furthermore, they didn't do anything that you hadn't done, there are photographs of you with your breasts showing.

Putin: But I'm a man, I have rights! And I am President of the greatest country in the world, the light of the people and the champion of freedom.

Claire_dO: Changing the subject. What do you have to say about you calling Prigozhin's family to offer your condolences on his death and the plane hadn't taken off yet?

Putin: That could very well happen. We should unify time zones, something I will gladly do as soon as Europe submits. You see, I sent my family on vacation and called to say good night; and it was already morning there, and they were on the beach. I called Olaf Scholz to congratulate him on his birthday and he told me it was yesterday. I called Xi Jinping to say good night and he says he just woke up. I call my ambassador in Cuba to wish him a happy new year and he tells me it's still the old year. This is not progress. It really is a big mess.

Claire_dO: nods

Putin: I know how to reward those who embrace progress. See the gold and diamond rings that I offered to the eight heads of state of some free countries: Belarus, Armenia, Azerbaijan, Tajikistan, Kyrgyzstan, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan and Kazakhstan.

Claire_dO: Look, I actually thought this was very similar to that episode of “Lord of the Rings”, where the master of evil, Sauron, offers nine rings to human rulers who then become his servants, the “Nazgûls”. Did you also keep secretly an additional ring, the ring of power, that allows you to control everyone else?

Putin: Who do you take me for Claire. I'm willing to tell you everything if you have dinner with me in the antechamber of my room there in the Kremlin.

(and saying this Putin makes a mischievous smile and winks)

Claire_dO: Let it be. I have very good taste in who I sleep with, I never pay and I assure you that any of my girlfriends is much prettier and more intelligent than all of yours combined.

Putin: (red in anger)

Claire_dO: Now I want you to talk a little about the war in Ukraine. You say you are at war with NATO and it is known that Russia has already lost 70 thousand soldiers, exhausted its rockets and much of its military equipment has been destroyed.

However, NATO is not there yet!

Putin: That's all a lie. We are winning the war and we are welcomed as liberators. Ukraine is full of American mercenaries and soldiers disguised as peasants.

Claire_dO: But it was you who invaded it!

Putin: How can we invade what is ours? Where we have arrived we are acclaimed as liberators from fascism. Why don't you in the West understand this? Ukraine was and will always be part of Mother Russia.

(At this moment Aki_dO enters, ostensibly in charge of a sexy waiter serving tea. When he passes Claire she pats him on his ass and says thank you)

Claire_dO: This sexy bartender I just pinched is your fellow countryman. Isn't he so sexy, a real sugar, don’t you think?

Putin: But this is outrageous. How dare you treat a Russian man like that? Do you think that we are soft and spoiled like you Westerners? This won't stay like this! Remember that there are planes that crash, radioactive elements leaking and even falling from balconies? Who can protect you from these calamities if not me and Mother Russia?

Soon as I take Europe I’ll nail you and all your fascist and lesbian whores

(Gets up and leaves)

Interview ran by Claire_dO aka Claire_Lgnd_dO

Photographs by Zog_dO

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